Why must I look into the abyss?


After 24 hours of flying, I felt myself slipping into a dark void. I’m in Phnom Penh with my daughter Lucy for the first week of her tour of Southeast Asia. I always brace myself when I travel and have to remain vigilant regarding my mental health. After a couple of beers in the hotel bar, with a nice sitting area, we wound up falling asleep at 2 p.m. and sleeping through the night, although I woke up at 3 a.m. filled with anxiety, worrying that Lucy was in as much shock as I was.

To add to my anxiety, I worried that I had not properly reserved our full-day tour, with stops at a killing field and a Khmer Rouge prison. A voice told me that I had screwed up, and that we would miss our tour. I immediately resigned myself to failure and worried that it would taint her first full day in Phnom Penh.


All along, I have been so worried about her traveling alone. One reason I came with her was to hopefully provide some comfort and guidance. I viewed her as a weak link in her travel plans and myself as a somewhat expert, having traveled widely. Tossing and turning that night, my thoughts went dark, bringing me to a familiar position of glancing into a deep void, being pulled close to the edge. 


I suddenly realized that it was I who was the weak link. It was only after finally getting up at 5 a.m. and texting my concerns to our family group chat that I began to sense some relief, although still convinced that I had screwed up our day tour. I desperately emailed the tour guide, asking if we were indeed on the schedule. I had somehow missed a text from him sent a day earlier, which indicated that all was well.


Feeling much better, having taken my meds, I was relieved to see that Lucy was in good spirits and that she would not have been devastated had the tour not occurred. Steadily, I felt better and better and was happy to see our guide pull up to the hotel.


Prior to that, we had a free breakfast buffet and lots of coffee and juice, making me feel even better. It was my first time to have passionfruit, which looks like rotten pudding and has a sour but pleasant taste. Cambodia is very affordable, our room only costing $25 per night.

With us on the tour, we shared the van with two Poles, a Peruvian, and two Italians. Our tour guide proved to be very knowledgeable and a great driver in the crazy traffic, which makes me think of Brownian motion. On the tour we visited grand temples, but the highlight of the tour was a killing field where thousands of Cambodians were murdered as a part of Pol Pot’s evil scheme to create a classless society. We also visited a prison, which was converted from a former school, where innocent citizens were brutally tortured to death. It was quite a lot to take in, but was eye opening.


And here I sit in my hotel bed with the AC blasting, Lucy sleeping in the bed next to mine. I’ve had a shower (after a full day of sweating in very hot and humid weather), smoked my pipe, and am ready to sleep. Tomorrow, we take a bus to Siem Reap, which is where the very famous temples of Angkor Wat are located. Of course, I’m worried about finding the bus terminal and that somehow I screwed up the reservation, but I have turned my back on the abyss and tomorrow will be an even better day, as my grandfather used to say. Goodnight moon…

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Is routine a good thing?

Image
I have a routine of teaching and grading assignments, but I also walk my dog, Stella, every day at the River Park in Chattanooga. The River Park follows the edge of the Tennessee River for eight miles. Every day around noon, I ask Stella if she wants to go for a walk, and she emphatically answers, Yes. We walk for about a mile and a half, an out-and-back along the paved trail. We're both a bit old and walk slowly, especially in the heat. I see new faces each day, but I also see regulars, and we nod or wave. My biggest fear is that Stella will poop on the trail, so I first walk her in a large field where she dutifully evacuates her bowels. To me, it's astounding that I do the same things on a daily basis and that I enjoy them. My life growing up was chaotic, my father being in the Army. We moved on average every six months or so until I was in the ninth grade. It always happened that we moved over the holiday break in December, and I had to change schools, which I came to loathe...
Read more

Will I lose my credit card?

Image
I can’t believe I just lost my credit card. I’m returning home today, back to the States. Mr. Lim from the hotel dropped me off after a drive through very heavy and crazy traffic. I had my credit card inside my passport, which I passed back and forth a few times while checking in. I lost it in the shuffle, but was able to cancel the card quickly. I couldn’t bear the thought of retracing my steps and asking if anyone had found it. I have two other cards, so it’s no problem. Harder than losing my card was saying goodbye to Lucy this morning. I got choked up, but I think she will be able to navigate the next few weeks by herself. People in Cambodia are extremely polite and attentive. We had breakfast together and then parted ways. I’m still very sad but I have to get back home as my classes start in a few days. Last night, to celebrate my birthday, I chose to get pizza. I was craving bread primarily, and thought that pizza would do the trick. The place was hard to find, alleyways ending i...
Read more